She's JV to your varsity
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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