my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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