It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
