I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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