don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
