Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Randomize
