Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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