mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
