You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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