hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
