I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i don't like sucking hair
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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