some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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