did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
