What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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