I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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