I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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