dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
She needs sedatives and a leash
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
