I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
