this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
NoShamevember. You game?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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