Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
