Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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