They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
