my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
