Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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