I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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