all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
