no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
