aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
