The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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