Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
