Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize