he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
