like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize