Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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