I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize