Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
