That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
there's paper in my vomit.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
