i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
