Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
