You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
