last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
