Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
