he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
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i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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