I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
