i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
