so explain again why im purple
no
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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