just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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