Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
