Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Walk of Shame today included voting.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
