Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
