the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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