bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
