Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
