he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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