You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
