ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
