Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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