Already got asked if we're dating
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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