White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
