I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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