Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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